Friday, October 27, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. Gonna play a bit more reggae. (he’s tuning his guitar) Need some sausages.
Mr. Shovel: Is that slang for something?
Steve: No. Just want some meat with some skin over it.
Mr. Shovel: (laughing) Is that slang for something?
Steve: No, it’s just proper sausages. All sausages. Pork. Swine. With some HP sauce. That would be lovely. (he’s still tuning away) Sausages. Sausage. I’m gonna go to the hypnotist and make him hypnotize me to make me eat sausages. He’s gonna say, “Okay, you’re going down the elevator…the elevator’s going down. 10…9…8…7…deeper…5…4…3…2…1…(reverb) you are feeling light…you are out (snaps fingers). You will eat sausages. Pork sausages, chicken sausages, all kinds of sausages. One’s from England, one’s from Germany…German sausage are good, too…English sausage…maybe some sausages from Lichtenstein, I believe they’re good with the foreskins on the sausages. I’m going to count to 5 and you will be coming up. 5…4...3…2…1…as soon as I click my fingers, you will be wide awake and you will be glad to be alive and you will be happy. You will go straight to the butchers and get a dozen sausages. You will devour them and you will have your energy back. 5,4,3,2,1 (click). Let’s play some more reggae.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Steve: You’ve been listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. I am proud to announce that I’m gonna knock it on the head right now and go home and catch up on my Z’s. Get my beauty sleep and think of sausages as big puffy clouds as I’m sleeping. Big sausages flying by. Flying towards my mouth…(laughs as he realizes how that sounds)
Mr. Shovel: After you go to the hypnotist, I’m dying to know what you’re therapist has to say about it.
Steve: Yeaaahh. Sausages. Italian sausages, English, German sausages. Sausages, big fat ones with mystery meat and skin on ‘em. Yeaaahh sausages…
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Mr. Shovel: How could you tell?
Steve: How could you tell? It’s like a bad wig. You can tell. Everyone knows…
Mr. Shovel: How could you tell it was fresh?
Steve: Because it looked like…it looked so uncomfortable on the guy’s face, you know? And he’d run into a couple of people that he hadn’t seen in a while, probably prior to the facelift and he’s talking to them and they’re talking to him and I could see the uncomfortableness between both parties. Like I said, it’s like a bad wig. You’re talking to someone and you can see this thing above his head. Everyone knows, but no one says anything. (laughs) And as the poor guy was leaving, I saw him look back to see if anyone was looking at him. So it’s obviously a new one. He ain’t used to it himself, yet. I’m sure there’s parts of him thinking, “What have I done?” Cos blokes shouldn’t be doing it. The worst of all, the biggest macho man of all is Burt Reynolds. Have you seen what his looks like? I think – and I like Burt Reynolds – but it’s like he’s gone overboard. I mean, if he has it pulled back any more, his ears’ll be touching. It ridiculous. It ain’t a man thing to do. Rule Number One.
Mr. Shovel: But it’s okay for women?
Steve: Well, birds do it…birds are gonna do what they’re gonna do. It actually…I’m not a big fan of it, birds pull it off better than guys because their skin’s different. Guys ain’t meant to have like, doll-faces.
Mr. Shovel: What are they meant to have?
Steve: Dudes are meant to look like dudes…rugged looking, you know?
Mr. Shovel: Okay.
Steve: The day I…I still think Keith Richards looks good, even though he looks like haggard and knackered. It’s him. He’s comfortable with himself. There’s something not right with someone…it’s this town, as well, it makes you do things like that. You get caught up in it. I don’t see farmers in the Midwest getting facelifts when they’re like, fifty.
Mr. Shovel: That’s true.
Steve: It’s out of order.
Mr. Shovel: But then again, there’s not a lot of competition out there.
Steve: Yep. It’s just a different way. Even two hours outside of L.A. it’s different. Anyway. The thing is: blokes, mates, geezers, ice creams, when you get a facelift, everybody knows. It’s just like a bad wig. Everybody knows. And they’re laughing at you when you walk by.
Mr. Shovel: Funny little boat race.
Steve: Yeah. Funny little boat race…(briefly launches into a modified version of “All The Young Dudes”) Oh well. What can you do. Although I have had some surgery. I had a knob reduction once. Did I tell you that?
Mr. Shovel: No, I didn’t realize you had a problem.
Steve: No, it wasn’t a problem. Girls couldn’t take it, that’s all. I had to have a reduction.
Mr. Shovel: Maybe they took a little too much off…?
Steve: No, no, no. Actually, I could cut a little bit more off. I might go back. Maybe I’ll run into Burt Reynolds, give him a little bit for the back of his head.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Mr. Shovel: I guess I was running around looking for you.
Steve: Jesus…yeah I know. I was a bit late. I was waiting for this shake that this guy makes me. Not an Arab bloke (sheik), a shake, like he makes me a shake in the morning and it was a bit slow today. They’re very slow in this place that I go, cos they’re like, hippies and they like, stare a lot. When you ask them something it takes...you have to slow down. In the morning I’m at a pace. I’m here, I’m there, I’m everywhere before I come in here and these guys are...staring at walls. You know they’re on this zen. It’s a real pain in the ass, actually. I wish they’d pull their socks up a bit. You know…okay, it’s all great to be all zen and that, but just do it at a kind of quicker pace, you know? Anyway, it’s Friday, twelve bells, ten after twelve bells. It’s another gorgeous day. Can’t be happier with the weather. Let me pray for a second:
Oh thank you, Lord for you have blessed thee with the eighty-degrees weatherie. Such a kind man, up there, the bloke who looks like Father Christmas in the clouds, thank you for answering my prayers, Lord. Please continue it, at least for a few more days. Maybe ‘til Thanksgiving, and I can give you proper thanks. Oh, Big Geezer up there in the sky, you’re the Real Ice Cream. I’m just a mortal. I’m just a morsel of your Man-Being. Mr. Man Law, up there in the clouds.
Okay, thank you. That’s my moment of silence to the Chosen One. No, he ain’t the cho…He chooses the people, dun’he? The Big Bloke…
Mr. Shovel: Yeah, he’s just The One.
Steve: He’s just the Number Uno and He chooses people, like he chose me as one.
Mr. Shovel: I’m saying, “He” for lack of better word.
Steve: What, you’re worried about offending birds?
Mr. Shovel: You know, you know…
Steve: Listen, it’s a matter of…it’s a fact, it stands to reason. God ain’t a bird.
Mr. Shovel: How’d he get to be God, anyway?
Steve: He was the first one here wasn’t he? Creator. It a fact, though. It ain’t a bird, that’s for sure. It’s a bloke.
Mr. Shovel: Why do you know that?
Steve: Cos he has a knob, that’s why.
Mr. Shovel: (cracks up laughing) I haven’t seen those pictures.
Steve: Let’s play some rock and roll baby, I wanna go in with The Who. This song’s called, “The Relay”. Take it away, darling.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Steve: Let’s play the Rolling Stones from an album, “Goat’s Head Soup”. Is that actually a soup or is that just a made-up Rolling Stones title? Do they actually have goat’s heads…I know they have shark fin soup. Sounds like a Chinese thing.
Mr. Shovel: I’ll have to Google it.
Steve: They like monkeys and, they like eating monkeys out there and sharks…I wouldn’t be surprised it there’s a few goats in there. Can you get back to me on that one?
(after the set of songs has finished)
Steve: We’ve been on the internet, we’ve informed the FBI and CIA and all other agencies, referring to…unknown entities and they both come up with different stories. One says it’s a Mexican soup, one says it’s a Jamaican soup, an aphrodisiac to make your knob hard, I think…
Mr. Shovel: also Indian. But they be called “Goat’s Head Soup” in those languages, so you don’t find on Google, “Goat’s Head Soup”.
Steve: Well, where are goats really common? In Caribbean places, right? They had a few goats in Hawaii, I know that. I mean, you don’t have a goat down…oh actually, there is goats. I actually there’s a goat at the top of Runyon Canyon (located in the Hollywood Hills). There’s a couple of ‘em, so I’m talking out of me…thingamajig there, ain’t I?
Mr. Shovel: You think that’s where they’re born? They’re native to Runyon Canyon?
Steve: Well they’re actor-goats, them ones up there. They’re just waiting for a gig, like all other actors. (Shovel laughs at this) What’s so funny? Animals wait for gigs just like humans, like elephants and stuff.
Mr. Shovel: Movie goats?
Steve: Yeah. They need extras, you know. When you want to get like, a farm setting, you know, they don’t put people in bleedin’ goat’s outfits, they put real goats there. I wonder if they have SAG cards, goats?
Mr. Shovel: Screen Actor Goats...?
Steve: They got no problem with the catering truck, you know. They just eat anything. They don’t need to be fed, you know. Just put ‘em in nails, screwdrivers, eat anything. I like goats.
Mr. Shovel: Chewing up the scenery.
Steve: Got funny eyeballs, though. Look strange, like demonic eyes. You ever looked at their eyes?
Mr. Shovel: Not very closely.
Steve: Very strange creatures. They should be removed from the planet, actually. Them dodgy eyes…I want all goats removed. Just keep the actor ones. You need them, just for good measure. They are the vacuums of the planet, you know.
Mr. Shovel: Lawn mowers.
Steve: They are. Human lawn mowers. (plays a few bars on guitar) I’ve never had goat’s head soup. Maybe I should go up to the top of Runyon Canyon and ask one of them if I can borrow one of their heads for like…maybe if I just dip his head in the soup.
Mr. Shovel: They’d just tell you, talk to their agent.
Steve: No, I won’t kill him, I’ll just put his head in the broth for like, an hour. Let him up for air every now and again. I guess that might get the same effect, right?
Comin’ to gitcha, Goaty. What’s a goat’s name? Is there like a…you know, like, you’ve got Mickey Mouse, Zippy the Elephant, is there like, one for goats?
Mr. Shovel: Billy!
Steve: Billy Goat. There you go. Billy the Goat. Billy No-Mates. And now I present to thee (the whistle fanfare begins) A live band, Man Law for one night only. A donkey on drums, a goat on bass guitar and a leopard on lead vocals. Man Law. You must see it to believe it. (laughs) Whoo. I haven’t had a good laugh in ages, you know that? Have you noticed?