Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox (
starts fiddling about on the guitar playing Fleetwood Mac’s “Oh Well”). Trying to figure that out. Know that song? Fleetwood Mac. Lot of twiddly bits. (
keeps playing, messes up the lyrics). Something like that. It’s Friday, Jesus Christ, where you been, Shovel? It’s ten after twelve bells. What the hell’s going on? Where was ya?
Mr. Shovel: I guess I was running around looking for you.
Steve: Jesus…yeah I know. I was a bit late. I was waiting for this shake that this guy makes me. Not an Arab bloke (sheik), a shake, like he makes me a shake in the morning and it was a bit slow today. They’re very slow in this place that I go, cos they’re like, hippies and they like, stare a lot. When you ask them something it takes...you have to slow down. In the morning I’m at a pace. I’m here, I’m there, I’m everywhere before I come in here and these guys are...staring at walls. You know they’re on this
zen. It’s a real pain in the ass, actually. I wish they’d pull their socks up a bit. You know…okay, it’s all great to be all zen and that, but just do it at a kind of quicker pace, you know? Anyway, it’s Friday, twelve bells, ten after twelve bells. It’s another gorgeous day. Can’t be happier with the weather. Let me pray for a second:
Oh thank you, Lord for you have blessed thee with the eighty-degrees weatherie. Such a kind man, up there, the bloke who looks like Father Christmas in the clouds, thank you for answering my prayers, Lord. Please continue it, at least for a few more days. Maybe ‘til Thanksgiving, and I can give you proper thanks. Oh, Big Geezer up there in the sky, you’re the Real Ice Cream. I’m just a mortal. I’m just a morsel of your Man-Being. Mr. Man Law, up there in the clouds.
Okay, thank you. That’s my moment of silence to the Chosen One. No, he ain’t the cho…He chooses the people, dun’he? The Big Bloke…
Mr. Shovel: Yeah, he’s just The One.
Steve: He’s just the Number Uno and He chooses people, like he chose me as one.
Mr. Shovel: I’m saying, “He” for lack of better word.
Steve: What, you’re worried about offending birds?
Mr. Shovel: You know, you know…
Steve: Listen, it’s a matter of…it’s a fact, it stands to reason. God ain’t a bird.
Mr. Shovel: How’d he get to be God, anyway?
Steve: He was the first one here wasn’t he? Creator. It a fact, though. It ain’t a bird, that’s for sure. It’s a bloke.
Mr. Shovel: Why do you know that?
Steve: Cos he has a knob, that’s why.
Mr. Shovel: (
cracks up laughing) I haven’t seen those pictures.
Steve: Let’s play some rock and roll baby, I wanna go in with The Who. This song’s called, “The Relay”. Take it away, darling.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Steve: Let’s play the Rolling Stones from an album, “Goat’s Head Soup”. Is that actually a soup or is that just a made-up Rolling Stones title? Do they actually have goat’s heads…I know they have shark fin soup. Sounds like a Chinese thing.
Mr. Shovel: I’ll have to Google it.
Steve: They like monkeys and, they like eating monkeys out there and sharks…I wouldn’t be surprised it there’s a few goats in there. Can you get back to me on that one?
*** ***
(
after the set of songs has finished)
Steve: We’ve been on the internet, we’ve informed the FBI and CIA and all other agencies, referring to…unknown entities and they both come up with different stories. One says it’s a Mexican soup, one says it’s a Jamaican soup, an aphrodisiac to make your knob hard, I think…
Mr. Shovel: also Indian. But they be called “Goat’s Head Soup” in those languages, so you don’t find on Google, “Goat’s Head Soup”.
Steve: Well, where are goats really common? In Caribbean places, right? They had a few goats in Hawaii, I know that. I mean, you don’t have a goat down…oh actually, there is goats. I actually there’s a goat at the top of Runyon Canyon (
located in the Hollywood Hills). There’s a couple of ‘em, so I’m talking out of me…thingamajig there, ain’t I?
Mr. Shovel: You think that’s where they’re born? They’re native to Runyon Canyon?
Steve: Well they’re actor-goats, them ones up there. They’re just waiting for a gig, like all other actors. (
Shovel laughs at this) What’s so funny? Animals wait for gigs just like humans, like elephants and stuff.
Mr. Shovel: Movie goats?
Steve: Yeah. They need extras, you know. When you want to get like, a farm setting, you know, they don’t put people in bleedin’ goat’s outfits, they put real goats there. I wonder if they have SAG cards, goats?
Mr. Shovel: Screen Actor Goats...?
Steve: They got no problem with the catering truck, you know. They just eat anything. They don’t need to be fed, you know. Just put ‘em in nails, screwdrivers, eat anything. I like goats.
Mr. Shovel: Chewing up the scenery.
Steve: Got funny eyeballs, though. Look strange, like demonic eyes. You ever looked at their eyes?
Mr. Shovel: Not very closely.
Steve: Very strange creatures. They should be removed from the planet, actually. Them dodgy eyes…I want all goats removed. Just keep the actor ones. You need them, just for good measure. They are the vacuums of the planet, you know.
Mr. Shovel: Lawn mowers.
Steve: They are. Human lawn mowers. (
plays a few bars on guitar) I’ve never had goat’s head soup. Maybe I should go up to the top of Runyon Canyon and ask one of them if I can borrow one of their heads for like…maybe if I just dip his head in the soup.
Mr. Shovel: They’d just tell you, talk to their agent.
Steve: No, I won’t kill him, I’ll just put his head in the broth for like, an hour. Let him up for air every now and again. I guess that might get the same effect, right?
Comin’ to gitcha, Goaty. What’s a goat’s name? Is there like a…you know, like, you’ve got Mickey Mouse, Zippy the Elephant, is there like, one for goats?
Mr. Shovel: Billy!
Steve: Billy Goat. There you go. Billy the Goat. Billy No-Mates. And now I present to thee (
the whistle fanfare begins) A live band, Man Law for one night only. A donkey on drums, a goat on bass guitar and a leopard on lead vocals. Man Law. You must see it to believe it. (
laughs) Whoo. I haven’t had a good laugh in ages, you know that? Have you noticed?
blokes shouldn’t be doing it. The worst of all, the biggest macho man of all is Burt Reynolds. Have you seen what his looks like? I think – and I like Burt Reynolds – but it’s like he’s gone overboard. I mean, if he has it pulled back any more, his ears’ll be touching. It ridiculous. It ain’t a man thing to do. Rule Number One.
Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox (starts fiddling about on the guitar playing Fleetwood Mac’s “Oh Well”). Trying to figure that out. Know that song? Fleetwood Mac. Lot of twiddly bits. (keeps playing, messes up the lyrics). Something like that. It’s Friday, Jesus Christ, where you been, Shovel? It’s ten after twelve bells. What the hell’s going on? Where was ya?
